Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
