I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize