I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
