I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
