My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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