he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
