I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
