My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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