Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the day after is always just damage control
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
