i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
