if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
