Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
