Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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