I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Randomize
