He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
