I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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