She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
