we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
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Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
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After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"