remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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