Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
