At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
