Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
