in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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