nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
