If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
