What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
