I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
