she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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