We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I bet he comes in French.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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