so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
