she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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