I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
