The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
