pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
50% drunk capacity currently
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
