You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
