i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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