Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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