we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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