U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
