if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.