Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming