I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".