I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
