Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
