This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
