did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
