too bad you live with your parents still
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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