Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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