I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
