Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
