she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
