Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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