You're my little dorito
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
