He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
