Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
