I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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