those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They have beer where we have blood.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
