I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
