Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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