I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
